Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
