i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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