There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Randomize
