1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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