Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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