Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
