somebody snuck up and got me drunk
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
