My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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