He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
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