he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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