you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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