What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
