The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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