True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
