Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
