my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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