I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
