but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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