Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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