Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
