Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
