All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
