Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
