I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
