Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
