Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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