i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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