can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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