Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize