your parents love me but you hate me
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
there is glitter all over my balls
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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