Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
