I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
