I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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