update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
