i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
