My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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