I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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