i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
