smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Help. Why am I so naked?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
