Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
