I hate your face
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He better not be in your backpack
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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