My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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