the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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