he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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