I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
