I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Randomize
