clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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