I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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