I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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