Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
