the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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