I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
