I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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