Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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