i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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